In the fad crazy world of the 1990’s there were few trends I, or more likely my mother, got me in to. What started as decade old hoarding hobbies such as collecting Baseball Cards or magazines morphed into a whole new monster in the 90’s. My house was jam packed with piles of pogs, a village of Furbies, and don’t even get me started on the Beanie Babies that were supposed to be my college fund. All of those fads came and went, each with minimal formative or educational benefit. That was until the Tamagotchi arrived.
Out of the crazy tech world of Japan this little egg shaped key chain became the hottest of all commodities around the schoolyard, even bigger than The Brain or even Fireball yo-yo. The Tamagotchi was a pet that you were to raise from its birth through childhood, adulthood, and then eventual death. You would feed it, play with it, scold it, tell it when to go the bathroom, and also when to sleep. It started trying to ingrain a sense of responsibility, unknowingly, into kids quickly becoming obsessed with video games. Something to call your own and raise up right, much like a pet rock or the class goldfish that you brought home once a year. Or in my case it taught my something completely different, how to commit cold blooded murder.
As fulfilling as it could be to raise the little pup into a full grown stallion, I simply did not have the patience or motivation to see that come to fruition. What’s that, you are hungry? Well here is 20 pieces of candy, now don’t bother me again for a couple hours. Oh now you are complaining and you have stink waves coming out of your head, if only I knew what that meant. Look what you did you just pooped all over the floor, I’m not cleaning it up you need to learn your lesson. Now you are sick and won’t even eat the candy I keep giving you whelp I guess that’s all she wrote for little Tommy Gucci. And so the cycle would continue, occasionally with a little bored malice.
But here is the secret that no one else knew. I was saving the rest of the planet. The Tamagotchi wasn’t some innocent pet, oh no, it was an alien from outer space. It was sent here to decimate our population so that it’s fellow beings could pillage Earth of all our valuable natural resources. I’ve seen Independence Day, I’ve seen Battlefield Earth, hell I’ve even seen Howard The Duck. I know how this is going to go down. While everyone else was busy breading a death squad of interplanetary warriors, I was doing my best to defend the planet. You are welcome Earth.