Category Archives: Top 5

2016 In Review: #4 Article – Top 5 People You Will See on Thanksgiving Eve

Top 5 People You Will See on Thanksgiving Eve

It is widely known that, aside from New Years Eve, the night before Thanksgiving is probably the most drunken night of the year.  Kids are returning home from college for the first time since the summer and want to explore the newly crafted ID they bought from some stoner in the dorm in the woods.  Thirty somethings are getting themselves all liquored up so that they can weather the barbs coming their way for not being married, having kids, or any future.  Parents can forget they have kids, or that they forgot to buy potatoes, damn someone needs to make a run to Idaho.  Inevitably all the bars are packed to the gills and so progresses one of the most bizarre social functions you will ever experience.  Such a cacophony of varied individuals coming together aided by liberal mounts of booze to mingle and rehash old memories and maybe if some of them get lucky, make some new ones.  Let’s take a look at the 5 different characters that you undoubtedly will stumble across in your travels tonight.

5. The kid who came back from college way cooler and more artistic.  College is a time for personal growth, experience, and self discovery.  However if you come back after two months away with dread locks, claiming to have found this new water color expressionism, while smoking cloves, you my friend are an ass hole.  People are going to change when they go off to learn and experience what becoming an adult is, but people don’t go from Alan Partridge to Allen Ginsberg in the span of two months.  Regardless or not you will see them out and about with their smelly sweatshirt, and greasy hair, just catch them in between smoke breaks or when they are telling you the enlightening thing they learned at the Buddhist nudist retreat they went on last month.

4. The person who will confuse you for someone else.  People can change a lot, especially if you only see them once a year at most.  Add on a couple years and maybe a weight swing one way or the other and they can become completely unrecognizable, I concede that.  However, there is always that one person who thinks they know you, yet keeps calling you Joe, or makes some reference to the sister you don’t have.  Trying to make connections where they clearly aren’t, they swear they used to sit next to you in biology class.  This is made worse exponentially if you have a sibling or multiple siblings, because they will 100% assume you are one of them.  As a younger sibling I can attest that I have been called my brothers name far more times than my own by others, my own family members included.  There is also the other way where people introduce themselves to you when you have know them for years.  The old “Hey what’s up I don;t think we’ve met before….”, ummm actually we have I’m your cousin.  I don’t know which one is worse, to be confused for someone else or not remembered at all.

3. Your high school classmate who hasn’t moved on.  Whether they were one of the top football stars, prom queen, or just another average coaster making the rounds through high school, we all have the person who is stuck in Senior year.  They usually never left town and you’ll most definitely find them closest to the door of the townie bar you begrudgingly go to when your drunken friend gets bored and wants some drama.  They were the member berries before time, a person we like to call the human time capsule.  Throwing references of a sophomore history class project out as a quirky anecdote serves as their main contribution to any conversation on the night.  For whatever reason too they seem to remember you having a much closer relationship then you ever day, maybe they are just looking for a friendlier face from happier times, damn that just got deep, sorry about that.

2. Your friends drunk parent.  As the chicks start to leave the roost and parents are allotted a little more free time and a lot less day to day responsibility strange things start to happen.  They start to resort back to post children behavior and hey who can blame them.  No longer do they have to worry about picking up the kids from sleepovers or driving them to hockey practice, now it’s more about who is restocking the bud light in the fridge.  Coinciding with this is the first few times it is socially, and often legally, acceptable to drink with the next generation.   Throw in a small desire to be the cool parent and you have a cocktail of drunken tomfoolery from the likes you would never believe.

1. Your older siblings friends from when you were younger who use to bully you.  It’s a given if you don’t have older siblings this doesn’t apply to you.  For those of you who have been power bombed outside a ten o’clock showing of Monsters, Inc. at your local movie theater in front of your middle school date, then this will ring way too true to you.  Years have passed and people have changed, you yourself have done a lot of growing up, but still the site of that person puts you on the edge.  It isn’t so much a fear of them anymore, just a bubbling resentment that cramps your shoulders when they are in the same room.  Well count on seeing them.  It is inevitable, they will be bellied up to the bar, with the same murder of crows they marauded with back in their day.  The good news is that they either won’t want to come to grips with their past actions or won’t care enough to acknowledge you so you are safe to be clear of any awkward situation.

2016 In Review: #5 Article – Top 5 People With Dead Eyes

Top 5 People With Dead Eyes

Ever get that creepy feeling from someone.  The feeling that they might be a sociopath or have some sort of ulterior motive when looking your way.  Sometimes do you get the feeling that someone might be a robot or even a walking corpse.  Well I have pinpointed one of the main attributes to why we get that feeling.  It is all in the eyes.  Certain people are just born with a creepy set of peepers.  The kind of eyes that follow you around a room without moving.  The kind of eyes that you can’t really tell the color because they appear to be as dark as their soul.  The kind of eyes that you wish came with a pair of Bono wrap around shades.  Well below I have discovered the top 5 subjects that I think for better or worse have the deadest eyes around.

5. Benedict Cumberbatch

benedict-cumberbatch

Maybe it is his role as brash crime solving savant Sherlock or his time portraying slightly autistic code wunderkind Alan Turing, but the robotic with a slightly dickish nature of Benedict Cumberbatch is only exemplified by the loss of life in his eyes.  While a romantic saying of “getting lost in someones eyes” may be applicable here, that would definitely be a place you would want to pull over and ask for directions before you travel down the wrong road and end up slaughtered like Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

4. Robin Wright

robin-wright

Now this might be swayed by her most popular role, serving as deceptive and manipulative first lady on House of Cards, but Wright has the look of a someone you just can’t trust.  I never know if she is plotting twelve steps ahead of me to have me kidnapped and flown to Guantanamo Bay for water boarding, or if she just wants to borrow a cup of sugar.  Never has the smoky eye look been used on such a dangerous pair of gazers.

3. My Friend Dan

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Years of hard living and possibly one too many chilly willy’s have this former playboy with a look that seems more in tune with a walking coma victim then a functioning human being.  Whenever I am talking to him I have to reassure myself that yes he is alive, and yes he is understanding that I am saying to him.  People always say that eyes are the window to the soul, well apparently it’s pitch black midnight wherever his soul is hanging out.

2. Jaws

jaws

Let me just leave this one for the eternal words of Batholomew M. Quint: “Y’know the thing about a shark, he’s got… lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be livin’… until he bites ya. And those black eyes roll over white, and then… oh, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screamin’, the ocean turns red, and spite of all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, they all come in and they… rip you to pieces.”

1. Ray Liotta

ray-liotta

In my mind there is no single person scarier on the planet just looking at you than Ray Liotta.  Whenever the Cheshire Cat look-a-like smiles I get this creeping feeling deep in my bones that he is plotting to kill me.  With soulless eyes glaring into your whole being, any gentle or kind action becomes one of hostility and malice.  If he did ever portray a clown like Joe Pesci alluded, I would completely understand peoples phobia’s.

Top 5 People You Want to Unfollow on Social Media

It’s time to get a little self aware here people.  I can understand that in my venture to get you to read my Shakespearean diatribes that from time to time I may have flooded your social media feed.  Getting your message out is  difficult  with so much competition out there in the respective platforms that social bombardment becomes a necessity.  So in order to make more room to hear the siren song that is American Appetite calling to you, why don’t you go ahead and delete these social media pests.

5. Inspirational Quote Guru

I like to think myself a generally positive person trying to look on the bright side of life, but so help me do I get horrible violent feelings when I read some hippy mantra emblazoned over a burning Island sunset.  If you really need to share with the world your daily quote of encouragement maybe you should get out in there and join Green Peace.

4. Political Warriors

Boy oh boy does everyone know who you voted for in this past election.  The onslaught of Wikileaks Hillary email articles,  Trump fact checking lists, or just debate reviews galore made for an all too brutal election season.  A large number of people simply gave up social media altogether due to the high volume of political pontificating.  Being someone who regularly received incredibly biased, often misleading, political emails from a family member for years I was well suited for the barrage that was about to come.  But if you can’t take a break to post a video about someone flipping a water bottle in between your racist rants, I think it’s time to rethink posting online and maybe try getting your own podcast with Infowars.

3. Frauding Schemers

Are you tired of the old 9 to 5?  Do you want to be your own boss?  Ready to make tons of money?  Well do I have the opportunity for you! That opportunity can also be combined with the miracle weight loss pill I was hawking last week.  Also since I’m feeling generous, how about that self help book as a bonus!  There is always some sort of scam that is being played and one person trying to take advantage of them all.

2. Here Look at My Baby

Children are our future, and also a joyous thing worth celebrating.  Milestones within the child’s life deservedly belong to be shared to the world from their proud parents. However it can easily be taken too far.  With the move towards digital baby diaries the days of having to be physically within the presence of a baby photo album are of the past.  No longer can you avoid the onslaught of cuteness by avoiding Aunt Patty’s.  Please feel free to share the bounty of your loins but if you feel the need to switch your profile picture to your babies sonogram, you have gone too far.

1. Your Parents

They haven’t quite gotten a grasp of what social media entails, whether it means sending direct messages to be seen by the global interweb or the classic typing messages in all caps.  With constant stream of questions regarding how the whole social media doo hickey works, they are all over all your preschool classmates pages.  Asking about if I knew that some girl I had art class with in 2nd grade was now a nurse in Oklahoma or if I saw baby pictures of Shakira’s new daughter.  They like everything, and comment on people’s posts that couldn’t have a clue who they are from the time they met 14 years ago.

 

Top 5 Winter Warmer Drinks

With the Holiday Season upon us, the next few weeks is bound to be an endless cavalcade of work parties and festive ugly sweater shindigs that are bound to drive the lot of us to drink.  Sorry Craig from accounting I did not find your story about how you mixed up the TPS reports to be as amusing as your trip to Wilmington for a LARPing convention, however this tasty cocktail made it bearable for me to be polite and hence you won’t murder me on the day you snap and decide to poison the whole office.  With the onslaught of holiday cheer coming in full force it is good to have a back up as slugging nog in back to back nights can be quite a tedious task.  It is with that in mind we bring to you the Top 5 Winter Warmer Drinks.

5. Hot Toddy

hot-toddy

The ultimate drink if you have to sniffles or can feel that seasonal cold coming your way.  You are going to be drinking tea to recuperate anyways so why not add in some cold and flu ass kicking lemon juice, sooth that throat with a little honey, and hey last I heard bacteria and alcohol don’t mix to well so let that whiskey serve as doctors orders for the night.

4. Gluhwein

gluhwein2

This German import informs people that you are both cultured and classy, not to mention there to have a good time.  Instead of slugging back some beers or cheap Chardonnay, get yourself some nice mulled red wine, adorned with some cinnamon sticks and an orange wedge or two and Fröhliche Weihnachten to you and your Bavarian friends.

3. Hot Cocoa

hot-cocoa

Want to be transported back to childhood when you would come right out of the cold to some steaming hot mugs of chocolatey goodness waiting to warm you right back up?  No better time that at a holiday party.  Pour in a little Creme de Menthe and you can reminisce about Christmas lore of old and tales of past returned slacks from Aunt Whitney that both weren’t in your size, but the design matched her pleather couch.  Oh memories.

2. Holiday Punch

holiday-punch

What’s the best part of a festive holiday party?  The punch of course!  Normal gatherings mid summer or 4th of July BBQ’s usually aren’t jazzed up enough to include the pinnacle of elegance in entertaining, the focal point or any table scape, a mean punch bowl.  Usually made garnished with some assortment of red and green, cranberries and limes for my choosing, it gives party goers and extra point of mingling when scooping out a few sloshes of the dastardly drink.

1. Classic Eggnog

eggnog

Nothing says holiday party like some good quality Eggnog.  The weather is getting a bit cooler and people are looking to put on a little heft to battle the cold so they don’t mind indulging a snifter or two of this dairy delicacy.  A smooth tasty brew, hopped up with a little brandy, and dusted with nutmeg, a sure must have at all parties.  Nog also suffers from the rare issue that it is only both socially and morally appropriate to drink it during the Holiday Season.  Can you imagine sitting down on a hot August night really looking to quench your thirst and choking down a gullet full of eggnog, no thanks.  So get noggin’ while the noggin’ is good, and then give it up again when December 26th hits midnight.

 

Top 5 Comparisons of a 90’s Chubby Youth.

Life as a plump youth is not easy.  All children have the struggles and tribulations that come with growing up, socializing, and transitioning through puberty.  Nicknames and mocking is an everyday occurrence that really can be challenging when you are just trying to find a place to fit in.  As a child designated to shop in the husky jeans section I am full aware of the perilous nature and cruelty of childhood ridicule.  For the far less creative of bullies who couldn’t come up with something beyond a Shakespearean “fatty”, the go to insult was comparison to a pop culture pillar of plus size.  Here are the top 5 references that I received the most as a child of the 90’s.

5.  Goldberg-The Mighty Ducks

goldberg

Why couldn’t I play left wing in gym class floor hockey?  Well the answer was because I was destined to be the immovable object in net.  Everyone knows the fat kid is always the goaltender, especially when everyone learned that through Goldberg.  The best attribute that Goldberg had in my eyes that he was at least a quick talking smart ass that helped pad what little dignity I had being compared to a fat nonathletic goalie.  Smell the faint scent of an epic fart wafting your way, “Goldberg!”, or in my case it was blamed on me.

4.The Entire Cast of Heavywieghts

heavyweights

You are telling me there is a movie about about fat camp? There is no way that a whole generation of chubby youth will be asked how they enjoyed their time on The Blob, or better yet what Tony Perkis was like.  I wasn’t evened offered the dignity of being compared to a staring character in the movie, simply an assumption that I must had attended some iteration of Camp Hope.  After all fat kids globally are required by law to attend a weight loss camp so as to not be as revolting to the eyes of the rest of society.

3. Donkey Lips- Salute Your Shorts

donkey-lips

Personally for me nothing felt more insulting than being compared to Donkey Lips.  It is one thing when you are a bit less fit than your comparable friends, but Donkey Lips was such a notoriously gross and slovenly character I felt it was more a hygienically dig than anything.  I guess since I was fat that also meant I farted and burped continually, not to mention had an consistent appalling aroma.  It was this traumatic experience that caused years of refusing to eat chicken wings in public.

2.Patrick Renna- AKA the goalie from The Big Green AKA Ham from The Sandlot)

patrick-renna

Hands down the most prevalent of insults was, “Hey you’re the kid from Big Green”.  Now this may had been due to my overwhelmingly gingerific freckles, but I like to think it was because of my superior athleticism for a portly player.  Patrick Renna starred in so many pinnacle coming of age tales that it almost served as a reminder for any bully that I still exist through the annals of film.  From the great hambino to simply being that kid from the Sobe commercial, whenever someone said they say me on TV that weekend I always assumed it had to be a Big Green re-run.

1. Chunk- Goonies

chunk

“Do the Truffle Shuffle!”.  No other quote will live in such infamy for having done more damage to my 12 year old psyche than that quote.  Being forced to pull up my shirt and gyrate around my jiggling gut became an almost weekly occurrence come summer time.  After hundreds of jokes and instances to do it, I finally embraced the life that Lawrence “Chunk” Cohen had built for tubby pre-teens when I received a truffle shuffle t-shirt from my parents for Christmas.  At a certain point you just have to give in and embrace the joke so it will finally go away.  (Brief side note, the truffle shuffle did lead to my own creation of something I called Mr. Stomach that had a music and dance routine associated with it.  It swept the nation for a few months but never got the just due it deserved.)

 

Top 5 People With Dead Eyes

Ever get that creepy feeling from someone.  The feeling that they might be a sociopath or have some sort of ulterior motive when looking your way.  Sometimes do you get the feeling that someone might be a robot or even a walking corpse.  Well I have pinpointed one of the main attributes to why we get that feeling.  It is all in the eyes.  Certain people are just born with a creepy set of peepers.  The kind of eyes that follow you around a room without moving.  The kind of eyes that you can’t really tell the color because they appear to be as dark as their soul.  The kind of eyes that you wish came with a pair of Bono wrap around shades.  Well below I have discovered the top 5 subjects that I think for better or worse have the deadest eyes around.

5. Benedict Cumberbatch

benedict-cumberbatch

Maybe it is his role as brash crime solving savant Sherlock or his time portraying slightly autistic code wunderkind Alan Turing, but the robotic with a slightly dickish nature of Benedict Cumberbatch is only exemplified by the loss of life in his eyes.  While a romantic saying of “getting lost in someones eyes” may be applicable here, that would definitely be a place you would want to pull over and ask for directions before you travel down the wrong road and end up slaughtered like Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

4. Robin Wright

robin-wright

Now this might be swayed by her most popular role, serving as deceptive and manipulative first lady on House of Cards, but Wright has the look of a someone you just can’t trust.  I never know if she is plotting twelve steps ahead of me to have me kidnapped and flown to Guantanamo Bay for water boarding, or if she just wants to borrow a cup of sugar.  Never has the smoky eye look been used on such a dangerous pair of gazers.

3. My Friend Dan

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Years of hard living and possibly one too many chilly willy’s have this former playboy with a look that seems more in tune with a walking coma victim then a functioning human being.  Whenever I am talking to him I have to reassure myself that yes he is alive, and yes he is understanding that I am saying to him.  People always say that eyes are the window to the soul, well apparently it’s pitch black midnight wherever his soul is hanging out.

2. Jaws

jaws

Let me just leave this one for the eternal words of Batholomew M. Quint: “Y’know the thing about a shark, he’s got… lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be livin’… until he bites ya. And those black eyes roll over white, and then… oh, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screamin’, the ocean turns red, and spite of all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, they all come in and they… rip you to pieces.”

1. Ray Liotta

ray-liotta

In my mind there is no single person scarier on the planet just looking at you than Ray Liotta.  Whenever the Cheshire Cat look-a-like smiles I get this creeping feeling deep in my bones that he is plotting to kill me.  With soulless eyes glaring into your whole being, any gentle or kind action becomes one of hostility and malice.  If he did ever portray a clown like Joe Pesci alluded, I would completely understand peoples phobia’s.

 

Top 5 People You Will See on Thanksgiving Eve

It is widely known that, aside from New Years Eve, the night before Thanksgiving is probably the most drunken night of the year.  Kids are returning home from college for the first time since the summer and want to explore the newly crafted ID they bought from some stoner in the dorm in the woods.  Thirty somethings are getting themselves all liquored up so that they can weather the barbs coming their way for not being married, having kids, or any future.  Parents can forget they have kids, or that they forgot to buy potatoes, damn someone needs to make a run to Idaho.  Inevitably all the bars are packed to the gills and so progresses one of the most bizarre social functions you will ever experience.  Such a cacophony of varied individuals coming together aided by liberal mounts of booze to mingle and rehash old memories and maybe if some of them get lucky, make some new ones.  Let’s take a look at the 5 different characters that you undoubtedly will stumble across in your travels tonight.

5. The kid who came back from college way cooler and more artistic.  College is a time for personal growth, experience, and self discovery.  However if you come back after two months away with dread locks, claiming to have found this new water color expressionism, while smoking cloves, you my friend are an ass hole.  People are going to change when they go off to learn and experience what becoming an adult is, but people don’t go from Alan Partridge to Allen Ginsberg in the span of two months.  Regardless or not you will see them out and about with their smelly sweatshirt, and greasy hair, just catch them in between smoke breaks or when they are telling you the enlightening thing they learned at the Buddhist nudist retreat they went on last month.

4. The person who will confuse you for someone else.  People can change a lot, especially if you only see them once a year at most.  Add on a couple years and maybe a weight swing one way or the other and they can become completely unrecognizable, I concede that.  However, there is always that one person who thinks they know you, yet keeps calling you Joe, or makes some reference to the sister you don’t have.  Trying to make connections where they clearly aren’t, they swear they used to sit next to you in biology class.  This is made worse exponentially if you have a sibling or multiple siblings, because they will 100% assume you are one of them.  As a younger sibling I can attest that I have been called my brothers name far more times than my own by others, my own family members included.  There is also the other way where people introduce themselves to you when you have know them for years.  The old “Hey what’s up I don;t think we’ve met before….”, ummm actually we have I’m your cousin.  I don’t know which one is worse, to be confused for someone else or not remembered at all.

3. Your high school classmate who hasn’t moved on.  Whether they were one of the top football stars, prom queen, or just another average coaster making the rounds through high school, we all have the person who is stuck in Senior year.  They usually never left town and you’ll most definitely find them closest to the door of the townie bar you begrudgingly go to when your drunken friend gets bored and wants some drama.  They were the member berries before time, a person we like to call the human time capsule.  Throwing references of a sophomore history class project out as a quirky anecdote serves as their main contribution to any conversation on the night.  For whatever reason too they seem to remember you having a much closer relationship then you ever day, maybe they are just looking for a friendlier face from happier times, damn that just got deep, sorry about that.

2. Your friends drunk parent.  As the chicks start to leave the roost and parents are allotted a little more free time and a lot less day to day responsibility strange things start to happen.  They start to resort back to post children behavior and hey who can blame them.  No longer do they have to worry about picking up the kids from sleepovers or driving them to hockey practice, now it’s more about who is restocking the bud light in the fridge.  Coinciding with this is the first few times it is socially, and often legally, acceptable to drink with the next generation.   Throw in a small desire to be the cool parent and you have a cocktail of drunken tomfoolery from the likes you would never believe.

1. Your older siblings friends from when you were younger who use to bully you.  It’s a given if you don’t have older siblings this doesn’t apply to you.  For those of you who have been power bombed outside a ten o’clock showing of Monsters, Inc. at your local movie theater in front of your middle school date, then this will ring way too true to you.  Years have passed and people have changed, you yourself have done a lot of growing up, but still the site of that person puts you on the edge.  It isn’t so much a fear of them anymore, just a bubbling resentment that cramps your shoulders when they are in the same room.  Well count on seeing them.  It is inevitable, they will be bellied up to the bar, with the same murder of crows they marauded with back in their day.  The good news is that they either won’t want to come to grips with their past actions or won’t care enough to acknowledge you so you are safe to be clear of any awkward situation.

 

Top 5: Kapow the Cape Crusaders Ranked

Movie Roles Recast

BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN (l) Michael Keaton in Batman; Val Kilmer in Batman Forever; George Clooney in Batman & Robin; Christian Bale in The Dark Knight

Getting cast into one of the most iconic comic book Super hero’s of all time can be a huge windfall.  Dawning the mask of the caped crusader is the aspiration of many a youngster who has ever read comics, or for those a bit younger, been transfixed by the animated series.  Being such a popular character, there have been numerous iterations in the past 40 years.  With that in mind we rank the Top 5 (sorry Ben Afflect, you don’t make the cut).

5. Val Kilmer

val-kilmer

Hands down the blandest of all the Batman’s, the former Iceman brought his patented dead delivery to the city of Gotham.  The addition of his side kick Robin, as well as worthy adversaries in Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carey couldn’t drag along this dud of a hero.  Maybe notoriously difficult to work with Kilmer just couldn’t find his artistic vision, or maybe he is just a giant baby in latex.

4. George Clooney

george-clooney

Replacing Val Kilmer in the franchise came Dr. Doug Ross himself.  The television drama heartthrob gave a solid performance in an otherwise outlandish interpretation of the Batman heroic tale.  The cartoonesque quality and addition of yet another side kick all but towed the line of farce unintentionally, yet a decent staring job by Clooney helped ring in a critically panned visual disaster.

3. Adam West

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The original Batman, West served Gotham proud on the television sets of millions of Americans all through out the 1960’s.  With his pensive delivery he gave thought and determination to any problem that may arise the fair people of Gotham.  With a “Zowie” and “Kapow” he put down any villain that was dumb enough to take on Bruce Wayne, setting up his future career as the Mayor of a small Rhode Island town.

2. Christian Bale

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Taking back up the reigns in the revamped Batman franchise, Bale came in a provided the longest tenure than any other Batman on film.  Ridiculous gruff voice aside, Bale took the Dark Knight to new heights with his updated trinkets and perfect balance between the arrogant cocky playboy of Gotham and the intelligent heroic masked avenger.

1Michael Keaton

michael-keaton

The first to throw on the cape on the silver screen, Keaton surprised many by he nuanced performance in the first two Tim Burton classics.  The dark quality of Burton’s cinematic vision had many people questioning if the Mr.Mom star could pull off such a polar opposite of the spastic comedic acting he had mostly done to that time.  Boy did he ever pull it off.  Going against heavy weight performances by Danny DeVito and Jack Nicholson, Keaton held his own with his strong and mysterious portrayal.

It is inevitable that Batman will be reinterpreted time and time again.  There will be good portrayals and bad portrayals, but I think we can all agree that thank god Val Kilmer is too fat to fit in the Lycra.

 

 

Top 5 Aspects of Daylight Saving Time

daylight-savings

With Daylight Saving Time fall back this past weekend I figured that we would take a look at the best 5 aspects of shifting those clocks back.

5. An Extra Hour at the Bar.– For nighthawks like myself an extra hour to drink and squeeze in one more drunken rendition of The Killers All These Things That I’ve Done at your local Karaoke/Metal bar is a desperately sought after commodity.  Particularly in cities and towns that have early last calls, the extra hour can be a much relished perk when the weather turns a bit colder and people need a little extra liquid warmth before heading out into that cold good night.

4. More Time to Tend to the Crops– This is for all of the big farming contingent who religiously read American Appetite.  I see you folks out there on your tractor in your overalls and you are thoroughly appreciated.

3. Less Chance of Getting Mugged: With less sunlight to illuminate the hours of your day people are less likely to just be wandering around aimlessly.  There might be more shadows for people to lurk in, but the jokes on them because statistically people are less apt to be outside in the dark; who would had ever guessed?

2. You Get to Enjoy the Trudges of Joe Vs the Volcano.- Stuck in a monotonous job that bores you to death, GREAT NEWS, now when you head into the office it will be as pitch black as when you leave at night.  Those few precious hours of sunlight now can be sucked away or savored by stupid Jerry from Accounting who has a god damn office with a window, even though he totally doesn’t deserve it.  Nothing helps ease you on into seasonal depression quite like the disappearance of sunlight in your life.

1. The Weekend Starts that Much Sooner– Well not really, but psychologically getting set to go on a Friday night can happen a little sooner if the sun is already down.  The great cliche of all time “it’s five o’clock somewhere” becomes a little more palatable if the twilight of the evening has beset upon the world.  If the moody blues and burning oranges of sunset can be seen, the night and in Friday’s case weekend, is ready set upon us.  Atleast that is what I tell myself.

Enjoy the benefits of “falling back” before all of that gets reversed and we curse the day we have to lose an hour of sleep due to some fictional marketing scheme cooked up by a WWI energy conservationist, ya it wasn’t Ben Franklin.

Top 5 Fictional Presidents

With Election Day quickly approaching us it is only fitting that we take a look at some of the great Presidents of Television and Film.  The Leader of the Free World is a reasonably important job and all 5 who graced the on screen Oval Office treated the appointment with dignity and grace……….eh well some of them sort of did.  Let’s jump right into the best of the best when it came to heading up the Executive Branch.

Josiah “Jed” Bartlett (The West Wing)

The West Wing

Courtesy of Huffington Post

Between being both a Civil and Vietnam War vet, as well as spending time as a union head of a small regional airline,  Jed Bartlett ticked off a lot of boxes when it came to the credentials that make an attractive President.  His time in office was rife with drama including an assassination attempt, congressional upheaval, and the discovery of his multiple sclerosis leading to a censure, yet through it all he conducted himself with the poise and grace that you look forward to out of Eagle.  If a tad on the goofy dad side with his jokes and historical references, he truly was what all Presidents should embody.

James Marshall (Airforce One)

james-marshall

Courtesy of Politico

With the patriotism of CIA super agent, bad-assness of an intergalactic smuggler, and intelligence and wit of an archeology professor, President Marshall was a true Head of State.  Not only would he stand up to the Russians in a time of political turmoil but he also wasn’t afraid to escort unwanted guests out of his own personal aircraft.  If he wasn’t so god damn presidential he could find a new career path in being a bouncer at a club, throwing people out would never be an issue again.  I believe certain presidential candidates have adopted his deplaning philosophy as theirs on immigration.

Frank Underwood (House of Cards)

frank-underwood

A true masked chameleon you never know what to expect from Francis Underwood.  At one point you think he is just a feeble cripple just for him to turn out to be a notorious international criminal.  He is so adept at channeling different ideals and sentiments to suit his needs at that time or for future endeavors he plays the game of politics masterfully.  Who else could get away with multiple murders and blackmailing, indirectly of course, the then President out of office.  Full knowledge of the necessity to gain political capital and use that to gain power is what gave Frank his presidentiality, no one was more powerful than him…….well except for maybe his wife.

Andrew Shepard (The American President)

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With a firm grasp on the economy from his time spent manipulating the big banks on wall street, as well as a great source of duty having spent his early career as a humble police officer; the former most popular history professor at the University of Wisconsin was focused on consensus building for a majority of his first term.  It was when dirty attacks and political horse trading became too much to bare for the principled man, that he began to yield his power as Commander in Chief.  No longer willing to cower to the squabbles of individual Congressmen, President Shepard showed his teeth and how a President should lead from the front.

Selina Meyer (Veep)

selina-meyer

While she may not be the best dancer in the world, having ascended her way from Vice to full fledged President means Meyer was fairly adept at the old D.C. two step.  Despite initial failure when attempting to gain even the nomination President Meyer used the downfalls of others and perfect time to make her way into the Oval.  Despite having her second term election placed before Congress, the grace under ever changing political changes show the poise needed by Duchess.