Jesus: The World’s First Marketing Guru

Photo Apr 14, 5 06 36 PM

Times were tough on the rough streets of Jerusalem for young Jews back in the day.  They often had to rely on a multitude of side hustles in order to scrape together enough denarii to get the hottest sandals on the block.  Not everyone could be born an Emperor and be adorned with the finest fashions from Rome and Mesopotamia.  It was out of this rugged terrain that a young entrepreneur Jesus, known to industry insiders simply as Big J, had an ingenious revelation.  He realized that he could take his innate ability to persuade and connect with people to steward them towards certain products.  The proprietor of these products would then throw a few sheckels his was for the large influx of business.  Taking to the streets he would spread word through his vast social network and massive amount of followers, hawking the hottest robes, olives, heck even trying to get frankincense back into the precious metals game. Word spread quickly and Jesus became the hottest commodity on the market.

Along with a group of cultural taste makers, Big J founded DSCPLE Media, which would become the first major advertising agency in Jerusalem.  Having landed groundbreaking partnerships with the Wine Stewards Guild of Galilee, Jesus took his campaign to the streets.  Standing on street corners, Jesus and crew utilized testimonials to help spread the divine aspects of the holy spirit that they were entrusted with.  As the market around Merlot exploded Big J developed a strategy far more effective than simply word of mouth that had been the bread and body of their normal campaign.  Wanting to really get a sustained selling spike he envisioned one great event that would spread word throughout the land propelling Pinot to new pinnacles.

He planned one giant feast attended by the hottest scribes in all the land.  Seated around the table he proceeded to sermon the group about the wonders of wine.  The indulgences one can feel when sipping the finest Malbec or Zinfandel.  Further illustrating his point he set a blind taste test with both water and wine, begging the question of the attendees of which was more heavenly and refreshing.  Wine won out the night and was a smash hit covered by all in attendance.  Unfortunately that would be the end of DSCPLE Media as we know it.  A Senior Creative director felt he was being under valued.  In one of the most egregious forms of corporate espionage, he alerted the authorities to some taxable funds that Big J had been hiding in banks off the shore of Judea.  Also, taking with him proprietary information and marketing techniques, to a competing firm for a large bonus, really pulling in the denarii.  That really ended the run on what was a truly burgeoning behemoth in the Ad industry.

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