Some how, many decades ago, a saboteur was smuggled across the Canadian border. Intent on bringing the downfall of the imperialist regime that served as a neighbor, his ingenious plan was directed not to those currently in power but generations in the future. This was a long con sleeper cell plan that would take many years to develop and even longer to pay off dividends. What exactly was that plan and who was the malicious, meticulous, evil genius who put these events in motion is a bit of a surprise to the common person. The man of whom I speak is none other than Raffi.
To be transparent in this I would like to fully admit that I am a victim, or at least was an intended target of this psychological attack. My parents, unaware of the nefarious intentions brought me to see Raffi as my first ever concert when I was merely a toddler. His sinister siren song called to me and ingrained itself with countless loops of Bananphone on the tape deck of our station wagon. So even as I write this I still don’t really know if my words and diction can be trusted.
So here remains the main question, what did Raffi do to render a great victory again the alpha dog on the block? It is quite simple, he made all of our children stupider. Aa-ples and ba-ney-ney’s couldn’t had seemed more innocuous until fast forward 30 years when our young adults can’t even add the second b in the word babe. Down by the sea where the watermelons grow may seem like a simple study on the agricultural benefits of being near a water source, or is it a death blow to farm children across the country who will never learn the salinity in a bay is far too high for proper melons to grow. Don’t even get me started on the insidious propaganda buried deep within Shake the Sillies Out.
If you were wondering if the years of infiltration has worked, just look at current rankings of educational performance. The United States currently ranks 17th, a whole 7 places behind our syrup chugging neighbors to the north in 10th. So take so time to ponder over if all the time we spent worrying about Baby Beluga, we were really being pumped poisonous propaganda to severely diminish our intellectual capacity. You may have fooled us once Canadian infidel but I think we all wised up a little by the time our supposed ally across the pond came hawking their garbage version of mind games.