It is widely known that, aside from New Years Eve, the night before Thanksgiving is probably the most drunken night of the year. Kids are returning home from college for the first time since the summer and want to explore the newly crafted ID they bought from some stoner in the dorm in the woods. Thirty somethings are getting themselves all liquored up so that they can weather the barbs coming their way for not being married, having kids, or any future. Parents can forget they have kids, or that they forgot to buy potatoes, damn someone needs to make a run to Idaho. Inevitably all the bars are packed to the gills and so progresses one of the most bizarre social functions you will ever experience. Such a cacophony of varied individuals coming together aided by liberal mounts of booze to mingle and rehash old memories and maybe if some of them get lucky, make some new ones. Let’s take a look at the 5 different characters that you undoubtedly will stumble across in your travels tonight.
5. The kid who came back from college way cooler and more artistic. College is a time for personal growth, experience, and self discovery. However if you come back after two months away with dread locks, claiming to have found this new water color expressionism, while smoking cloves, you my friend are an ass hole. People are going to change when they go off to learn and experience what becoming an adult is, but people don’t go from Alan Partridge to Allen Ginsberg in the span of two months. Regardless or not you will see them out and about with their smelly sweatshirt, and greasy hair, just catch them in between smoke breaks or when they are telling you the enlightening thing they learned at the Buddhist nudist retreat they went on last month.
4. The person who will confuse you for someone else. People can change a lot, especially if you only see them once a year at most. Add on a couple years and maybe a weight swing one way or the other and they can become completely unrecognizable, I concede that. However, there is always that one person who thinks they know you, yet keeps calling you Joe, or makes some reference to the sister you don’t have. Trying to make connections where they clearly aren’t, they swear they used to sit next to you in biology class. This is made worse exponentially if you have a sibling or multiple siblings, because they will 100% assume you are one of them. As a younger sibling I can attest that I have been called my brothers name far more times than my own by others, my own family members included. There is also the other way where people introduce themselves to you when you have know them for years. The old “Hey what’s up I don;t think we’ve met before….”, ummm actually we have I’m your cousin. I don’t know which one is worse, to be confused for someone else or not remembered at all.
3. Your high school classmate who hasn’t moved on. Whether they were one of the top football stars, prom queen, or just another average coaster making the rounds through high school, we all have the person who is stuck in Senior year. They usually never left town and you’ll most definitely find them closest to the door of the townie bar you begrudgingly go to when your drunken friend gets bored and wants some drama. They were the member berries before time, a person we like to call the human time capsule. Throwing references of a sophomore history class project out as a quirky anecdote serves as their main contribution to any conversation on the night. For whatever reason too they seem to remember you having a much closer relationship then you ever day, maybe they are just looking for a friendlier face from happier times, damn that just got deep, sorry about that.
2. Your friends drunk parent. As the chicks start to leave the roost and parents are allotted a little more free time and a lot less day to day responsibility strange things start to happen. They start to resort back to post children behavior and hey who can blame them. No longer do they have to worry about picking up the kids from sleepovers or driving them to hockey practice, now it’s more about who is restocking the bud light in the fridge. Coinciding with this is the first few times it is socially, and often legally, acceptable to drink with the next generation. Throw in a small desire to be the cool parent and you have a cocktail of drunken tomfoolery from the likes you would never believe.
1. Your older siblings friends from when you were younger who use to bully you. It’s a given if you don’t have older siblings this doesn’t apply to you. For those of you who have been power bombed outside a ten o’clock showing of Monsters, Inc. at your local movie theater in front of your middle school date, then this will ring way too true to you. Years have passed and people have changed, you yourself have done a lot of growing up, but still the site of that person puts you on the edge. It isn’t so much a fear of them anymore, just a bubbling resentment that cramps your shoulders when they are in the same room. Well count on seeing them. It is inevitable, they will be bellied up to the bar, with the same murder of crows they marauded with back in their day. The good news is that they either won’t want to come to grips with their past actions or won’t care enough to acknowledge you so you are safe to be clear of any awkward situation.