People love making comparisons and lists ranking groups of any assortments of nouns that you can string together. Hell, ESPN pretty much is a 24 hour sports example of this, don’t get me started on which second to third round Cornerback is exactly like Aqib Talib based on his wingspan, it’s uncanny. With that thought I’m taking two of the most all American things I could think of and smash them together in my attempt at political analysis. Which current Presidential candidate is best represented by which Budweiser off shoot.
John Kasich- Bud Light
This is your normal run-of-the-mill politician. The ubiquitous white middle aged male politician who talks about balancing a fiscal budget and does so while staying mostly mild mannered and not calling anyone a pig. Sorry John, but you are everywhere in the political spectrum of America; the safe choice when you don’t know what’s offered at the bar. You don’t have the assertive Simcoe hops pizazz needed in this political climate to stand out.
Donald Trump-Bud Ice
People who decide to drink Bud Ice, are those I refer to as “ride or die”, much like the followers of Donald Trump. You have a problem with illegal immigration? “Yes!…….. I think Donald is the best at solving that issue.” He wants to build a wall to keep all the Mexicans out. “Well…..OK I guess I can stand behind that.” He calls Mexicans rapists and drug dealers. “Yikes…. I guess I’m really going to ride this wave out.” Bud Ice is a firm decision. It comes on strong and leaves you wrecked in a heap the morning after with your loved ones staring at you with a disappointed gaze. But hey, for those few hours riding the Trump train you’re at the top of your game…Looking Good Barry.
Ted Cruz-Bud Light Lime
This is your run-of-the-mill small government conservatism with a little twist? The type of twist that makes your mouth pucker up a little bit. The type of twist that has your eyes squinting and you looking a bit like a constipated used car salesman. Well then boy old boy have I found the beer candidate for you. Also, ironically, Bud Light Lime is a classic riff on the addition of lime to south of the border cervezas. Wait so you are telling me this beer wasn’t born here but is trying to pass off as American?
Bernie Sanders-Budweiser Select
Billed as “the real deal”, you think that this beer has some good ideas. Strong taste while low in calories, giving that unicornian dream of a true delicious, healthier option. Universal health care, universal college education, it can’t all be true, could it? Is it too many bottle dreams unfulfilled or can this socialist beer really live up to its ideals?
Hillary Clinton-Bud Light Platinum
“Hey guys I’m all about change, I’m progressive. I’m definitely not the same old Washington politician. Look! Watch me Dab! See I’m totally cool, hip, and different.” I’ve heard this yarn spun before Hill. Just because we throw you in a new bottle with some hip new design, doesn’t mean you aren’t the same old Bud Light that has been running around the Beltway for years.